7 Essential tips for dating a transgender person and what not to ask on the first date
Dating a transgender is different than dating a cis gender person and there may be some things you’re curious about. It’s natural to be curious about transgender people because it’s unlikely you’ve spent a lot of time around them but there are some things you should never ask on the first date. You need to treat a trans woman the same way you’d treat a cis woman and get to know them as a person before prying into their transition into who they are now. By doing this you’re making a good first impression and show them that you’re okay with dating someone who is transgender.
1) The surgery they’ve had isn’t your business yet
It’s not polite to ask them on a first date what surgery they’ve had and you should never ask about it until they’ve brought it up first. If you’ve met them on a dating app you could read their profile carefully to see if they’ve mentioned having surgery. They know people are curious and may be upfront about it in their profile so that it doesn’t become an awkward conversation later on. If they don’t mention it then you need to wait until it becomes a natural part of the conversation, like when things get serious enough to have sex. You need to remember that you’re dating them because you’re attracted to what you’ve know about them and what they look like under their clothes doesn’t change who they are so whether or not they’ve had surgery shouldn’t be a major issue.
2) Their life before transitioning isn’t who they are now
When you’re on a first date you’re trying to get to know the other person as they are now because that is who you’ll be dating so don’t ask them about their life before they transitioned. That is a difficult time for most transgender people and bringing up painful memories isn’t the way to start a potential relationship. You should never ask them what their “real” name is because you need to respect the name they currently go by or ask how different their life is now because that’s putting too much of the focus on them being trans instead of them being a human being just like you.
3) You don’t need to know about their previous partners
If this is your first time dating a trans woman you’re probably curious about their previous partners and what gender they were. You want to know this because you want to see if this is a new experience for them too and if your preconceived ideas of them are accurate. You can’t ask them about who they’ve dated in the past because it’s none of your business, just like you wouldn’t talk to them about your exes. All you need to know is that they’re on a date with you because there must be something about you that they’re attracted to.
4) Relationship roles will happen naturally
You can’t start a relationship with a transgender person with preconceived ideas of what kind of person they are and how they’ll act because stereotypes aren’t always reality. A trans woman may not be as feminine as you were expecting or they may want an equal relationship where gender based roles don’t apply. Don’t spend the first date asking them questions about what they expect from you or asking if they can live up to your idea of how things should be because putting them on the spot like that will make them feel defensive. Once you get to know them you’ll see that relationship roles will happen naturally and whether or not they’re the right person for you.
5) Remember that everyone has different sexual interests
A lot of men get their ideas about transgender people from what they’ve seen in movies, especially porn, and when they date a trans woman they want someone like that. Everyone has different sexual interest, regardless of their gender or orientation, and one trans woman won’t be exactly like another trans woman. You need to see them as an individual and learn what their sexual interests are as the relationship progresses. If you’ve met them on a dating app their profile and previous messages with you should give you an idea of what they’re interested in so don’t ask them about it during your date. If you make one of the first real conversations with them about sex they’re going to feel like you’re using them as a sex object which isn’t going to make them feel good.
6) How long they’ve been dating as a trans woman is personal
Asking a trans woman how long they’ve been dating since transitioning is too personal for a first date and you should only ask this if they seem nervous and you suspect it’s their first dating as a person who is obviously transgender. If they seem confident or at ease then it’s clear that they’ve been dating as a trans woman for awhile and you asking about it will make them feel like they’re doing something wrong. If you really want to know then you could casually hint at it by saying that you’ve been looking forward to your date because you’ve been single for awhile then ask if they’ve been on any good dates lately. This could help break the ice but if it doesn’t then change the subject.
7) Seeing if their life as a transgender person is permanent
Some transgender people do de-transition or think about it and some are in the early stages of transitioning so don’t ask them if being a transgender person is permanent for them just because you want to know what to expect. Asking them this could also make them think you aren’t taking them seriously as a transgender person and they’re only doing it to get attention. Coming out as transgender and living their life in a new way is a big and scary change that they didn’t take lightly. You need to accept them as they are and assume that this is a permanent change they’ve made until they give you a reason to think otherwise.
She is working as writer for diferent websites. She has published many hand-books about adult dating and relationships.
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